2019 precap

Published 4:38 pm Saturday, December 29, 2018

by Peter Funt

Wondering if things will change for the better in the New Year? Here’s a handy clip ‘n’ save Precap of news certain to occur during 2019.

JAN. 1 – In a New Year’s tweet to the nation, President Trump says he has surveillance showing that Hillary Clinton is continuing to use a private email server. He vows to appoint a special prosecutor to “bring her to justice.”

JAN. 3 – On “Fox & Friends,” Donald Trump Jr. discloses that he has broken up with girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle and is now dating Judge Jeanine Pirro.

JAN. 27 – A Pew poll reveals that 93 percent of politicians are unaware the government has been “shut down” since December.

FEB. 3 – At Super Bowl LIII, the NFL suspends 14 players for “socializing” with cheerleaders in the concussion protocol tent.

FEB. 9 – Colin Jost delights “SNL” viewers with news that he is engaged to Kimberly Guilfoyle.

FEB. 24 – At the 91st Oscars, Steve Carell receives the Irving G. Thalberg Award for “Most films released just before the end-of-year cutoff.”

FEB. 26 – A presidential tweet warns that if the government shutdown continues, 18,000 troops might have to be withdrawn from the Mexican border.

MAR. 16 – In a tearful announcement, Colin Jost tells “SNL” viewers that he is having the Kimberly Guilfoyle tattoo removed from his buttocks.

APR. 1 – President and Mrs. Trump host the third annual Trump Family April Fools Celebration.

APR. 27 – At the comedian-free White House Correspondents’ Association dinner, author Ron Chernow entertains with a gripping retrospective on “Presidential Tweets Over the Last One-Fifth of a Decade.”

MAY 11 – In an interview with Matt Drudge, President Trump expresses frustration that the Mueller investigation has continued unabated despite the government shutdown, asking, “Is George Soros secretly funding this guy?”

MAY 26 – The New York Times raises the price of its Sunday edition to $29.95 (higher in outlying areas).

JUNE 12 – At a “Show of Unity Conference,” Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Joe Biden, Gavin Newsom, Kamala Harris and 14 other Democrats announce they are each entering the 2020 presidential race.

JUNE 13 – The White House unveils a national MAGA hologram tour, featuring a virtual President Trump and music by Elvis.

JULY 4 – At a Fourth of July celebration in Bedminster, New Jersey, Donald Trump Jr. surprises family with news that he is engaged to Fox host Laura Ingraham.

JULY 22 – CNN formally changes its name to BNN: Breaking News Network. According to a spokeswoman, “We believe everything we report is breaking, no matter when it happened or how trivial it might be.”

AUG. 2 – Walmart begins its Black Friday Christmas sale.

AUG. 28 – Kirsten Gillibrand, Cory Booker, Amy Klobuchar, Chuck Schumer and LeBron James declare they are seeking the Democratic presidential nomination.

SEPT. 10 – President and Mrs. Trump host a White House dinner to celebrate National Hashtag Day.

OCT. 7 – Netflix announces that all of its series will now be released in convenient three-minute episodes to facilitate bingeing.

OCT. 24 – Two dozen more hopefuls, including James Comey and the comedian Carrot Top, say they are seeking the Democratic presidential nomination.

NOV. 28 – Declaring “No one is above the law,” President Trump refuses to pardon the White House turkey.

NOV. 29 – President and Mrs. Trump fly to Mar-a-Lago to celebrate Black Friday.

DEC. 2 – The Washington Post quotes sources as saying the Mueller investigation is entering its “final phase” and “should be completed by early 2021.”

DEC. 10 – Amazon introduces a team of leading astronomers who will select a planet for its first extraterrestrial headquarters.

DEC. 31 – In a New Year’s Eve tweet to the nation, President Trump vows: “The fake government shutdown will not be allowed to disrupt our beautiful 2020 campaign!”

PETER FUNT is a writer and speaker. His book, “Cautiously Optimistic,” is available at Amazon.com and CandidCamera.com. A list of Funt’s upcoming live appearances is available at www.CandidCamera.com.