by Lauren Bradshaw

Y’all, I loved “Star Wars: The Last Jedi”  so much. I honestly can’t believe how entertaining, exhilarating and exciting it was. From the second “Star Wars” flashed on the screen and the opening crawl started, I had to mentally prepare myself for cheers, tears and sneers. Cheers for all of the awesome fight scenes, especially that one in the throne room. Tears for my fangirl freakouts and any scene with Carrie Fisher. And sneers to represent my pull to the dark side and the fact I am going to be broke with all of the times I am going to see this film in theaters.

Because “The Last Jedi” was so good, I thought it would be easier for me to talk about the things I didn’t like about the movie, as opposed to recounting everything I did like. Of course, I don’t want to give away any spoilers and ruin the surprises (and perhaps lack of surprises), so enjoy my spoiler-free list of every horrible thing about “The Last Jedi” and how it is systematically ruining my life.

1) I’m going to go broke.

Like, seriously take all of my money, Disney. It’s not a matter of when I am going to see “The Last Jedi” again (Friday!), it’s how many times I am going to see it in theaters during its run. This is one of those movies that you need to experience on the big screen, basking in the sound of lightsabers crackling and John Williams beautiful score blaring. If you’re going to spring for the premium experience, I suggest looking for your closest AMC Dolby theater or 2D IMAX… not 3D (it’s too dark)! I’m always pleasantly surprised by how nice and loud those theaters are.

2) Not enough porgs.

Guys, not only did I love the porgs but I am going to double-down and say that there, in fact, were not ENOUGH porgs in the movie. I know there was concern about porgs being annoying, but I will be shocked if people aren’t ready to join #PorgNation by the end of the movie. I’ll be outside with my clipboard taking signatures, don’t you worry. Full disclosure, I am a proud Ewok support and will fight anyone who tries to say they aren’t absolutely ador-able. But just you wait for the porgs, which are pretty much Star Wars’ version of a puffin. I was honestly ready for the porgs to go full tribble and repopu-late all over the Millennium Falcon, but unfortunately there were only a few scenes of these little cuties. God help me this Christmas season… I am going to have to steer clear of Target so I am not tempted to buy every porg stuffed animal I can get my hands on. I’m telling you right now, if they create porg-themed Tamagotchi, it’s all over for me.

3) The Dark Side is calling me.

Why am I like this? Why am I so easily turned to the dark side when awesome baddies have awesome scenes? And why do I secretly wish for a twist where all my favorite characters turn bad? Before seeing the movie, I was rooting so hard for Rey (Daisy Ridley) and Vice Admiral Holdo (Laura Dern) to go to the dark side, but you’ll have to see for yourself if it happens. Thankfully, Phasma isn’t in the movie that much because whenever she is on-screen I totally start rooting for her to kill everyone in the movie… I mean I, uh, root for her. See what happens when I get excited about her character? It’s danger-ous.

4) Intermittently sobbing throughout the movie.

Not only did I have tears and goosebumps throughout the movie due to my intermittent fangirl freakouts, but literally any time Carrie Fisher came on screen, I burst into tears. Carrie’s death is still pretty raw for me and it was honestly hard, yet heartwarming, to watch her in her element… in the role that made her a household name and was the inspiration for many young girls and boys like myself. Her dialogue in the film and the way other characters spoke about her almost made it seem like writer/director Rian Johnson knew she wasn’t much longer for this world. To say this is an emotional, heartfelt sendoff to our princess is an understatement. It is Carrie Fisher doing what she does best, being a badass role model, who’s intelligence and wit always shined through the dark side. Dedicating the film to her in the end credits crushed me.

5) Obsessing over Kelly Marie Tran.

Not only is Kelly Marie Tran adorable, gracious and talented, but her freakin’ character is awesome and fun, too. Doesn’t she understand I don’t have room in my life for another actor obsession and here I am… watching endearing videos of her having fangirl freakouts and sobbing in the arms of Daisy Ridley at the premiere. I love watching her experience the magnitude of “Star Wars” because I feel like she is who we would all be if given the opportunity. Rian Johnson has been talking about how awesome Tran is and how excited he is to introduce audiences to her and her character. Yep, you got me, Rian. I’m all in now and already starting the petition for a spin-off/origin movie… with porgs. Don’t @ me.

6) Snoke didn’t end up being the Stormtrooper who hit his head on the doorway in Episode IV.

This has been my favorite fan theory since we were first introduced to Snoke in Episode VII. I so badly wanted it to be true since Snoke has that giant gash on his head, but spoiler alert.. it isn’t. Ughhhhh. You missed your chance, Disney.

7) That udder(ly) ridiculous milking scene.

I promised I wouldn’t give away any spoilers, but I have to warn you about this really stupid five-second scene in the movie where Luke milks a weird space creature (think a mix between a manatee, cow and seal) and then DRINKS THE WARM, GREEN-ISH TINTED MILK IN FRONT OF REY. I’m sorry but no. Did George Lucas have written in his contract that he was able to choose one scene to put in the movie and this is what he chose? Because that’s what this was to me… a deleted scene from Episode I-III that completely took me out of the movie. When any of my friends have asked me for “spoilers” about “The Last Jedi,” I have chosen to tell them this small spoiler just as a way to shock them, and honestly to prepare them for some b.s.

MY REVIEW: A

LAUREN BRADHSHAW is a lover of all movies, even the bad ones. Follow her on twitter @flickchickdc. She grew up in Courtland, graduated from Southampton Academy and dou-bled-majored in foreign affairs and history at the University of Virginia. She lives in the Washington, D.C. area.