Hillary Clinton, not insane

Published 10:11 am Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Striding onto the Philadelphia stage resplendent in a white pants suit like a heavenly sent business bride walking down the aisle to tie the knot with America, Chelsea’s mom jettisoned the “presumptive” and accepted the Democratic Party’s invitation to become their nominee in the 2016 race for the Presidency of the United States. And contrary to prior dire warnings, the gates of hell did not open up.

While red, white and blue balloons bounced off their heads, the crowd at the Wells Fargo Center cheered the former First Lady, former U.S. Senator from the state of New York, former Secretary of State, former female, former human… Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton, for finally breaking the glass ceiling. Beware of falling shards.

Unfortunately, in order to accomplish this monumental achievement, the person President Obama called the most qualified to ever run for the office was forced to morph into a political cyborg, with not a organic, carbon-based bone left in her body. She’s Robo-Candidate with gears grinding so hard when she speaks, aides carry WD-40 in their backpacks.

The festivities got off to a rocky start with Bernie Sanders’ legion of supporters booing every speaker that dared mention the name of his evil vanquisher. The Bernie or Bust contingent was so harsh, when the Vermont Senator endorsed the nominee they booed HIM. That’s strict. Apparently there was a competition to see which of Bernie Sanders’ supporters was the Berniest and alas, Senator Sanders was disqualified in an early round.

The miscreants were so adamant they forced Debbie Wasserman Schultz, the chair of the DNC, to step down before the convention began. She couldn’t finish speaking in front of a Florida state breakfast meeting, and when you’re booed off the stage by your own delegation, that’s not good. No, I looked it up. That’s not good.

But Michele Obama was wonderful, and in case you missed her speech, wait for Melania Trump’s spin on it. Then Bill Clinton announced that Elvis had reentered the building, Joe Biden rallied the masses by using the word “malarkey” and billionaire Michael Bloomberg provided the most cogent contention of the convention, “Vote for Hillary because she’s sane.” A powerful argument that during a normal year might be convincing, “Not Insane.”

Eventually most of the rabble rousers came to the realization that sometimes you just have to go with the lying thieving cretinous toad, because it’s your lying thieving cretinous toad, as opposed to your enemies’ lying thieving cretinous toad who is teeming with scabies. And yes, both candidates might make you sick, but one will give you intestinal cramps while the other will give you Ebola.

So now both conventions are over and it’s time the parties get down to the important business of… raising money for the general election. And they better raise a huuuge amount because people are going to start paying attention to these electoral shenanigans real soon.

Not right away. First there’s the Olympics, and then of course, getting the kids back to school and Labor Day, then football starts and you have the baseball playoffs, but probably sometime not too long after Halloween, all of America will turn its attention to this, the most important election of our lifetime. Yes. Again.

WILL DURST is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager. For sample videos and a calendar of personal appearances including his new one- man show, Elect to Laugh: 2016, appearing every Tuesday at the San Francisco Marsh, go to willdurst.com.