The ugly, ugly presidential campaign

Published 8:39 am Friday, May 13, 2016

by Will Durst

Oh dear. Not pretty. The upcoming presidential campaign is ugly now and destined to ratchet up to epic uglier as soon as Bernie Sanders decides to bow out. Which is imminent. Not soon enough for Hillary Clinton, but not long.

The Vermont Senator has turned into that drunken cousin who hasn’t noticed he’s been the last guest for over an hour, cracking open another beer while threatening to put his cigarette out in the kids’ wading pool. Starting to channel Hotel California. “You can check in any time you like, but you can never leave.”

How ugly will the race get? Think randomly-shaved, rat-terrier with a fourth premolar infection, mange and a lazy eye … ugly. Naked Sumo mud-wrestling ugly. If this campaign were a baby, you’d have to tie pork chops to its ears to get the dog to play with it. Even the rat-terrier of which earlier we spoke.

The hard part is the timing on both sides. Has the public had its fill of Hillary bashing? She’s been taking the hits and shaking them off since first becoming a mote in the national public eye back in 1991.

You remember what Republicans said about Hillary? “She’s a liar, a thief, a lesbian. She cheated widows and orphans and murdered Vince Foster. With her bare hands. And then ate him.” And that’s when she was First Lady.

Now, as opposition nominee, the kid gloves are coming off. “Alien Space Queen Vampire: here to suck dry our precious bodily fluids. Originally the Clintons had 3 children but sold two to a Bangkok brothel. To which Bill makes twice yearly visits.”

On the other side, if you don’t think the Clinton Machine has had at least a dozen investigators devoted to opposition research for months, you are probably extremely confused by the dampness on days when it rains. They undoubtedly have dug so deep, they know which way Trump’s small intestine turns, 30 feet in.

In his patented gracious style, Trump christened his upcoming opponent, “Crooked Hillary,” and that’s the tame end of the ugly stick. He calls it counter punching, but flick him with a fly swatter and he’ll drop your with an elephant gun. Ask any elephant.

The Aerodynamic Coif responded to accusations of his own randy behavior by calling Hillary an enabler of Bill’s infidelities. But he needs to tread carefully or risk sharing a crying towel with her 2000 US Senate opponent, Rick Lazio. Who? Exactly.

There’s two ways of looking at it. Either Hillary has more baggage than the first United flight out of O’Hare after a freak spring blizzard, or there’s no meat left on her scandal bone. Like a single sardine tossed over a stone-wall into a cat sanctuary.

And conversely, it should be fairly easy to uncover evidence of the Donald’s extra-marital shenanigans and voluminous shady deals and suspicious deaths of folks who opposed him. Oh, come on. We’ve all seen Law & Order: there’s a New York developer knocking off enemies and depositing them in the foundations of soon-to-be-erected condominiums every other episode.

The only difference is, with Trump’s supporters, that’s not necessarily a negative. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

WILL DURST is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comedian and former Pizza Hut assistant manager. For sample videos and a calendar of personal appearances including his new one- man show, Elect to Laugh: 2016, appearing every Tuesday at the San Francisco Marsh, go to