My dog ate my blueprints

Published 10:25 am Wednesday, October 14, 2015

by Danny Tyree

“It takes a heap of shedding to make a house a home.”

That sprang to mind when I ran across a story in the Post and Courier (Charleston, S.C.) stating that pet owners are sparing no expense to renovate existing homes or design new homes to make them more pet friendly.

Yes, the childhood plea is now, “But he followed me home, Mom. Can we keep him – and heat the garage floor and install Greenwich Dog Time clocks and convert the bathroom to a cocktail lounge and …?”

Proud owners now announce to rescue pets, “This is your forever home – unless you gnaw through the wiring on your personal disco ball and burn the &^%$# place down.”

Where families used to look for neighborhoods with good schools, they now want subdivisions with walking trails, parks, slow-moving mail carriers, fire hydrants with Wi-Fi, etc.

Old real estate agents have to learn new tricks, about ceiling-reaching staircases for cats, suites with kitchens and doggie doors activated by microchips on the collar. Political correctness is a real minefield. The “master” bedroom is now the “two-legged doofus who fetches me my meals” bedroom. Homes are no longer “fixer-uppers,” given the alarming connotation of “fixing.”

People already leave music and videos playing for their pets. Perhaps there will be a streaming service such as SPOT-ify, with reconfigured songs by Lynyrd Skynyrd (“Oooo that smell — can’t you smell that smell? Let’s roll in it!”), the Beatles (“The Long And Winding Hairball”) and ZZ Top (“She’s got legs — and I know how to use them…”)

Someday soon pets will have their own built-in gun safes. (“You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, lifeless — no, not the tummy rub! I’m glad Charlton Heston is no longer around to see this!”)

Future amenities will probably include easily activated 3-D printers, so pooches can have a fresh security blankie whenever they need it. Of course printers will have to be kept from the cats. (“Who needs to go to Cawker City, Kansas for the world’s largest ball of twine when I have it right here on Dinglehoofer Street? I want everyone to come in and see it. No, I want them to go out. No, I want them to come in…”)

People with rabbits, reptiles, birds, ferrets and more exotic pets will also have innovative aspirations. I would not be surprised if the next issue of “Architectural Digest” contains a cover story about chapels for praying mantises.

So, in 2015 people can spend unprecedented quality time with their pets. And with Skype-like setups, they can communicate with their furry companions while on vacation. I’m just waiting for someone to construct a séance room so the master can continue to check in even after shuffling off this mortal coil.

“Hey, Rover! It’s me — Bubba. I thought I would be spending eternity in the Great Beyond. Instead, I’m spending eternity in the Great Bed Bath & Beyond! Forget about rescuing Timmy from the well! Come rescue ME!”

People who don’t “get” the appeal of pets are shaking their heads at the “senseless” extravagance. Instead of fixing up their home to accommodate four-legged friends, they spend their hard-earned money on concert tickets so Generic Rockstar can fix up HIS mansion. (“Well, he deserves it more because he’s a homo sapiens — I think — and he busts up guitars. And stuff.”)

DANNY TYREE welcomes email responses at and visits to his Facebook fan page.