Talking about loss might help with closure, healing

Published 11:30 am Saturday, August 15, 2015

Q. I am so in love my fiancé and he tells me that he loves me too, but I am concerned that he is still in love with last girlfriend who passed away. Should we still get married if he is still in love with someone else?

A. His past is his past, and that will never change. You can say that the heart has attachment issues because when we experience losses such as a breakup — and a breakup is a loss — or we experience the death of a loved one as your fiancé has experienced, it hurts and we don’t stop loving someone because the relationship is over.

Furthermore, losing a loved one, especially if they passed away, can be difficult. I am wondering if he has been able to grieve the loss, to talk about it, to heal. I know it is the last thing you might want to do, that is to talk about the late girlfriend, but it might help him to move toward closure and healing. It may also help you to understand his feelings and see how much he will pour into your marriage. I also believe that talking about your love and your losses will ultimately bring the two of you closer.

Lastly, you love him. He loves you. Nothing will be perfect, but you two are stronger than you know. We have a great capacity to love and to love people in different ways. He may have loved her, but she is a part of his past and you are his future. Whether you have a little time or a lifetime together, don’t waste time wondering about yesterday when tomorrow is forever!

Dr. Carletta N. Perry holds a doctorate in clinical psychology, with specialties in marriage and family. She is a professor of psychology, a therapeutic life coach and relationship expert, as well as author, radio and television host and entrepreneur. Catch her new television show, “It’s Life Changing with Dr. Carletta Perry,” Sundays at 7 p.m. on Charter Channel 191. Email your own questions for this feature to