Daesh Bags

Published 9:25 am Wednesday, October 1, 2014

by Will Durst

It was downright exciting to see President Barack Obama give that fierce and steadfast speech in front of the United Nations General Assembly, rallying the world against terrorism. See, GOP. He can be tough when the situation calls for it. Matter of fact, he’s probably the most belligerent of all the Nobel Peace Prize Winners. Ever. Finally nailed what America secretly wants — a swaggering pacifist. Love the humanitarian airstrikes.

The best part was getting to see the Great Facilitator actually facilitate. After almost 6 years in the White House, it’s got to feel good to stretch your legs like that. Suck sand Mitch McConnell. Obama was always more suited to the position of President of the World. He could very well finish up his career as a Jimmy Carter sort of free-range ambassador, now with only half the self-righteous martyrism.

One minor quibble. His obstinate insistence on calling the band of roving terrorists: ISIL. From their chaotic beginning, we, the public, were told they answered to… the Islamic State of Syria or ISIS.

But recently, a plethora of confusing monikers have popped up: ISIS, ISIL, the Islamic State and the League of Extraordinarily Cretinous Toad Buttwipe Lizardsticks. Don’t know where that last one came from. Oh, wait a minute; that was mine.

The religious pirates’ self-professed choice is IS, or the Islamic State, which seems the absolute worst option since they are neither very Islamic nor a state. A group of UK Muslims has asked the British government to call the marauding assassins, the UnIslamic State, and Secretary of State John Kerry regularly refers to them as “the enemy of Islam” but that appellation is as likely to catch on as calling television, “the enemy of literature.”

Laurent Fabius, the French Foreign Minister, calls them “Daesh,” which is an anagram of their Arabic name. He goes so far as to call them “the Daesh cutthroats,” which the executioning organization has complained is disrespectful. Seriously? How can you whine that what you do is disrespectful? Isn’t that your problem?

Ain’t that always the way? Murderers who go out of their way to televise beheadings so they can become famous for cutting throats suddenly hate being called cutthroats. Well, maybe you should have thought of that before getting kicked out of Al Qaeda for being too radical. And hey, American Intelligence Community, shouldn’t that have been clue one?

Their brutality is obviously intended to instill fear, so the best way to respond is to laugh at their ridiculous primitivism. The way Daesh is pronounced (Di- esh) is faintly reminiscent of “douche” so perhaps it would be fitting to call these butchers the Daesh Bags. Then their looting and pillaging and slaughtering would be known as extreme Daesh Baggery.

And since they claim to be exponential factor fundamentalists, an even better way to irritate them would be to hang them with a sobriquet that has a pork component.

The Slaughtering Sausage Heads or the Awful Offals. Bacon Bandit Boobies. Pigs in a Blanket. The Killer Swine.

Still prefer the League of Extraordinarily Cretinous Toad Buttwipe Lizardsticks, but realistically, that’s probably not going to catch on either. Too hard to fit in a headline. Could shorten it as LECTBL, pronounced “Lectbull.” But you’re right. Still needs work. I’ll get right on that.

WILL DURST is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed political comic. Go to willdurst.com for more about him.