Do not read next week’s column

Published 10:27 am Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Having such a longstanding relationship as you and I have established these last five years, I feel it necessary to give you, my readers, fair warning as to the nature of next week’s column.

It seems the least I can do to protect you against what could be such life altering words that your life will heretofore be defined as what you were like before reading it and your life afterwards.

Therefore, my friend, heed these warnings.

If your heart ever has been, is now, or ever will be weak, do not read it.

If you hear unfamiliar noises while alone at night, do not read it.

If you are pregnant, have ever been pregnant, or thinking of one day being pregnant, do not read it.

If you wake up in the night, terrified, in a cold sweat, do not read it.

If you are afraid of spiders, stepping on a snake, tarantulas, bats landing on your neck, or the whompus cat, do not read it.

If you sleep with a nightlight, do not read it.

If you find a single scream, far off in the distance on a moonless night just a little bit unnerving, do not read it.

If you would like to remain sane to enjoy your grandchildren, do not read it.

If you do not desire to visit the padded cell of the mental ward, shredding its cotton walls with your fingernails while uttering the words, “Why didn’t I listen to Rex, why didn’t I listen to Rex….” Then do not read it.

If you do not want your mind to take you, like a whirlpool, into deep, dark holes of terror with no imaginable escape, then do not read it.

My lawyers have begged me to make this disclaimer as they are fearful of the effect next week’s column will have on individual states of mind, county and state governments, culture, revered institutions, the totality of our citizenry and the chaos it has the potential to ignite.

Therefore, let it be known, that with these words I resolve myself of any and all repercussions as a result of the words that will flow from my pen a mere seven days henceforth.

Consider yourself forewarned.

REX ALPHIN of Walters is a farmer, businessman, author, county supervisor and contributing columnist for The Tidewater News. His email address is