Rescue the fescue

Published 9:26 am Wednesday, March 16, 2011

In a few short weeks, an army of thousands, scattered across the land, will march out to their sheds, throw open the door, wade through the cobwebs and mount that 20th century contraption designed to tear through yards at the speed of NASCAR, chew up and spit out large swaths of vegetation, do figure eights around crepe myrtles and travel within inches of solid brick walls.

Whose idea was this?

Where is the man who set into stone that humans must feed, pacify and nurture these tiny plants around his abode, coaxing them out of the ground, lavishing them with delicacies and destroying any adversary that would dare challenge their authority?

Who is he that instituted such law?

Furthermore, where is it written that just at the point these passionate plants are ready to burst forth to the sky and spread their arms upward toward the heavens, we — I can barely say this — shear them off with cold steel to a measured 3 inches? Where is it written, I say!

Have you considered the fescue himself? Do you not think he yearns to reach adulthood, his full potential, his mature self? To bask in the sunshine, sway to the breeze and rub shoulders with his brethren. And yes, to make seed and reproduce, watching his children arise in his presence, seeing his legacy carry on while laughing at their playfulness and innocence.

And would we humans not enjoy frolicking through such terrain, arms outstretched, face turned to the sun, green blades massaging our forearms as the breeze plays with our hair.

What have we done? Who are we to determine the destiny of another in such manner? What price will we pay for manicured lawns? Who will be the first to unleash the bonds on such freedom-loving creatures, to unlock the shackles, to tear down the gates? Who will be the first to set the prisoners free?

Wild-eyed, apprehensive, afraid, surrounding your house, peering at you, they await your decision even now.

Will you rescue the fescue?

Rex Alphin is a farmer, businessman and contributing columnist for The Tidewater News. His email address is